QUESTION: We, as humans, can express what we call ‘love,’ but it can’t be physically manifested. It’s not tangible, nor is it visible. My first question is: How can anyone be sure that someone truly loves them? And my second question is: “Why are so many people bent on acquiring something that is merely ephemeral and possibly nonexistent in essence?
ANSWER: These are two really good questions. You have clearly put a lot of thought into this lately. Thank you for the opportunity to connect with you on this topic. This is as applicable to your romantic interests as it is to your parents and family. This is a really long response, but I think it needs the detail (and a whole podcast to itself!). Let’s take this one at a time in reverse…
Why are so many people bent on acquiring something that is merely ephemeral and possibly nonexistent in essence? To be human is to crave real, unconditional love. We chase it all of our lives. When we are young, what we are really chasing is validation. We seek validation of who we think we are in that moment. We seek validation that we are worthy of love. We seek validation that we are “good enough”. Good enough for what? Good enough to be loved.
Love appears to be ephemeral. You had it. Then it was gone. It evaporated. Because it was not love. What you had was attachment or conditional love. More on that in a minute. After a few experiences of seeming to have love in our lives and then watching it evaporate, we start to think this thing called real love does not exist. This is usually when people make a terrible mistake and settle for something less than love only to end in misery and broken lives. I want to save you from that.
It’s funny that with all this physical world around us that we seek something that does not have physical form. Most of us spend a period of our lives seeking physical things that we think will make us feel whole: degrees, jobs, money, houses, cars, people, titles, etc. After those things fail to bring us that fulfillment, we start to look to the intangibles like purpose and love.
Ultimately, I believe that we are driven to seek love because we are driven to find ourselves. That will make more sense below.
How can you be sure that someone truly loves you?
There are several nouances here. Each of us has a capacity to love. Some, depending on what stage they are in, are only capable of attachment. As we grow and evolve, that capacity to love gets bigger and more capable. We move through a stage where we have the ability for conditional love, and we keep growing until we have the capacity for divine love. Divine love is unconditional and what most of us think of when we say true love.
When someone claims to love you, they may really feel that they do. The key is to assess their capacity to love. That is, see if you can figure out if their love is attachment, conditional love or divine (unconditional) love. Here is a guide…
Attachment– attachment feels like them pulling you in towards them. Pay attention to how you feel in your gut when you are around them. If you can feel the energy in your body, it will feel like them pulling you in. They are grasping for you. You fill a need for them. They are afraid of losing you. They tend to your needs out of fear of loss. They may try to control you. If they have expectations of you, this is attachment. If they say, “If you love me, you would…”, this is attachment, not love. If they are currently spending a lot of time in Stages Three, Four or Five, you almost certainly have attachment here. That is not to say they don’t love you to the extent that they can. They just don’t have the capacity for unconditional love yet. Attachment is all they can muster. And they may be a wonderful person (or not). But we are all just here on this journey, going around this cycle of development. Don’t hold it against them. See their humanity, and feel compassion for the fact that you are in this journey together. We are all just human. With time, as they evolve, they may find the capacity for real, true love (the unconditional kind). Are they worth the time and effort? We all are, but you cannot (and should not) force them to evolve if they don’t truly want to. Should you offer them a chance to evolve? No. That is putting a condition on your love. They may try out fear of losing you. And any choice made out of fear multiplies that fear. Be kind. Don’t interfere with their journey unless they specifically ask for your help on their own.
Conditional Love – conditional love can look a lot like the divine love we are all looking for. It can be very confusing. They say they love you. And it is reasonable to assume that they DO love you, to the extent that they CAN. As an example, our parents love us unconditionally, at first. No matter how much you cry and make messes, they just love you. But, as Tony Robbins says, try that when you’re forty. At some point around two years old, their love becomes conditional on you acting the right way, getting good grades, taking on certain careers, fulfilling certain family expectations, etc. There is that word again – EXPECTATIONS. Do they ever withdraw their Love? The withdrawal of love feels terrible. We would do anything to get it back. So we try to meet their conditions. Many marriages are this way too. Although there is a level of caring here, sometimes quite a lot of caring, this is not really the true love you are looking for. It can get confusing because they say they love you but sometimes they withdraw their love when they are angry or in a bad mood or when you did not meet their expectations. They may not treat you nicely. If they love you, how could they be mean to you? Their love is conditional. They love you to the extent that they can, and this is it… for now. Parents, as an example, sometimes (if you are lucky) move from conditional love to unconditional love once you are off on your own and no longer spending their money. Once you don’t need them for anything and they do not need you for anything. But that assumes they have evolved to at least Stage Eight.
Divine Love– ah, that perfect unconditional love. THIS is what we are all chasing. Real, true love like it was sent down from heaven. Real love feels like it is pouring OUT of them and into you. It makes your heart feel bigger, like it is radiating out of you at the thought of them. Real love has no expectations. You don’t need them for anything. You are complete unto yourself. And they don’t need you for anything. They are complete unto themselves. You CHOOSE to be around each other because the love and the joy multiplies when you you are near each other. They never withdraw their love from you, even if they feel angry. They are always kind. They never call you names or yell at you. They never make threats. They never set conditions. They do not belittle you or make you feel bad about yourself. They lift you up. They encourage you. But they don’t lie to you, even to make you feel better. They call you out when you are fooling yourself or about to do something detrimental. But they do it kindly. You can feel their love, radiating out of them all the time, no matter the situation… unconditionally. This type of love is so incredibly rare. You can count them on one hand over a lifetime. If you have someone in your life (a family member or romantic interest) who has the capacity to love you like this, revel in it! Work to evolve your own capacity to return that love. I swear that this kind of love is so tangible it has weight and substance.
Their capacity to love themselves Another way you can tell if someone has the capacity to love you unconditionally, is to see how much they love themselves. Our capacity to love others is limited to our capacity to love ourselves. Do they really, truly love themselves? Watch them…. it takes a long time to get to a point where we really love ourselves. Most people are not there yet. The average person still does things that detriment themselves. They may regularly, knowingly sabotage themselves. They may think terrible things about themselves or put up with unhealthy situations. You get the idea. If they do not love themselves, they cannot possibly love you the way you hope they will. That does not mean they don’t care what happens to you. They might care quite a lot. They might enjoy their time with you immensely. The relationship might be a fine idea as a friendship, or family relationship, if you enjoy that time together too. Most of your “love” relationships (friends and family) will be like that and can be very fulfilling.
Looking In The Mirror While you assess others for their capacity to love you, don’t forget to look in the mirror. What is your capacity to love yourself? You can work to evolve that to the point of unconditional love for yourself so that you will have the capacity to love others unconditionally. This happens naturally as you evolve through the stages on the cycle of development. Work to evolve yourself and you will naturally come to love yourself fully and truly. Then you will have the kind of love you seek. Guaranteed. You must love yourself unconditionally before you can offer that (or seek that) from someone else. As usual, life has a bit of a twisted sense of humor. You will get that unconditional love once you don’t really need it, because you are providing it for yourself. The crazy thing is… once you come to love yourself this way… the river of your life will quickly deliver someone into your life that can love you that way too. And you can be that for them. And life is freaking beautiful. I speak from experience. It is real.
In fact, I am starting to believe that unconditional love is one of very few things that actually IS real.
I have so much compassion for you in this experience. The confusion can be so frustrating. But you are so very worthy of real love … first from yourself, and then from others. Don’t ever doubt that.
