I feel ashamed when I realize that old, detrimental patterns have once again snuck their way back into my daily life. You can think you are the only one who falls back sometimes. But you’re not. We all do it. Here is mine…
I was instilled since childhood with the classic American ideal that mother or wife equals martyr. This standard expects the mother or wife to sacrifice her own needs for those of the husband or children. The problem, however, is that this makes the entire family miserable. The spouse that loves you is miserable when you are. The children you raise are largely oblivious but they can tell when you are not happy and it stresses them out. The martyr ultimately harms everyone, including themselves.
We are not talking here about wanting a fancy vacation or a new car and going without that. But seriously, when I need a haircut or a new pair of pants and I put it off, it ought to be a huge red flag.
This insidious standard sneaks its way in so freaking easily. We needed a new roof. That costs a lot of money. So we made a plan to save and save we did. We paid cash. But in order to make that happen, we had to go hard core minimalist. Everyone did without a few things to keep budgets small and make room for more savings. Then, it was over. The roof was done, the invoice was paid and we no longer needed to be in collective sacrifice mode.
But this old habit kept finding reasons to keep me in the sacrifice frame of mind. This was no longer a conscious budget decision. It was a vendetta from the past bent on finding every possible excuse as to why I should go without to make sure everyone else got what they wanted quickly.
That’s the difference. You see… at first it was the whole family making a concerted effort to save for a collective purpose. But then it became something detrimental. It became martyrdom – an unnecessary sacrifice by a single individual under the guise that it will make her loved ones better off. Because you love them and you would do anything to see them happy, right? But eventually, it breeds feelings of being unappreciated, or unnoticed (because you hide your martyrdom, of course). Why do you hide it? Because you are supposed to hide it. Because you hope they notice and appreciate it. Because showing it off is just arrogant. But mostly because you know it’s wrong.
In relationships with abusive partners, you will be encouraged to martyr yourself. You may even be berated when you suggest that you are miserable. How dare you? Don’t you know you are a horrible person? You should sacrifice for me more! In the past, this is how my bad habit was encouraged.
These days, falling back into patterns of martyrdom requires periods of intense saving for one thing or another. That way, I am already in the sacrifice mode. Once the saving is over, the now unnecessary sacrifice just continues and morphs into martyrdom. Within a few months, I am completely miserable and stressed out. I hate that it takes me that long to see what is happening. But it is becoming increasingly rare, and each time I catch it sooner.
I am just a human being in this moment, sick of being affected by the past, annoyed at all the crap that embedded itself in my head as a clueless child, and angry at myself for the situations I naively put myself in that drove these rediculous ideas further in.
Can I just BE HERE NOW in this beautiful place!? If you woke up in heaven, could you leave hell behind? Or would it follow you forever? Or maybe it would just fade slowly away, revealing the perfection that is your present life.
So what can you do when you fall back into bad patterns? Martyrdom pulls me back to Stage Three (I am my needs). The solution is the same no matter what less than desirable stage you get pulled back into… start at stage one and work your way forward. It gets faster every time you do it. It’s time to reconnect to myself and my current reality. So back to the book with me. I will meet you in Stage Ten (my favorite).
