Question: Is it entirely possible for someone to love you, who you are as a person? As the average-looking (or in this below average) guy, I often see women dating and marrying men who are deemed as attractive (Muscular, tall, toned, handsome, etc). It seems to me that a majority of women (especially young women) place a great deal of importance on physical attraction. To add to that, we as humans can’t deny to whom we are attracted. Therefore, should a man and woman get married, if he is average or below average, his wife may be thinking of men more attractive than he is, which would imply that her love is not essentially whole. How then, is true love between individuals possible if physical attraction is at the helm of this proverbial ship that guides us to our partner(s)?
Answer:
We want to find someone capable of real unconditional love, but you cannot assess that until you get to know them. Looks and physical attraction are the first thing that sparks us to act and strike up a conversation. We are spiritual beings having a human experience, as the saying goes. And the human species is driven to mate with the best possible option. The thing is, criteria for what makes the best possible option varies widely and changes over time for each of us. When we are young, physical looks tend to dominate the criteria. After all, often the leading man in the romance films are always handsome AND otherwise perfect. In this social media age we even see people choosing a partner based on how the Instagram pics will turn out. (This is a terrible idea).
Over time, we come to see that looks don’t always mean kindness, a good heart, a quick wit, a sense of humor, protection, stability, reliability, a good parent, or other qualities that we may come to crave. That good looking guy might be super nice and a great potential partner or he might be an abusive jerk. That beautiful woman might be brilliant, kind and a good mother or she might be a high maintenance nightmare.
You are absolutely right that physical attraction is what starts off any relationship. It is the gate keeper. If you are going to find real love in the form of a life partner, you are going to have to peak their attraction first, and they will have to peak yours.
But here is a good news… I think you might be making some false assumptions.
Not all people are attracted to the same thing. And not all women (or men) are on the lookout for the bigger better deal. And because of that, you are not below average.
Some like the muscular type, and some prefer the pudgy tattooed dad bod. Some like skinny women, and some like women with plenty of padding. Some find intellect sexy. Some want a partner who can make them laugh. Some are looking for a partner with specific hobbies and interests. Sit outside at a cafe as the weather gets warmer, down in the city. Watch the couples walking by of all ages. You will see all kinds of combinations.
The harder question is whether those couples have real love. That depends entirely on whether each individual is capable of real love for themselves. Successful couples happen when each individual has first worked on themselves to the point that they know who they are, they like who they are, and they are confident in their strengths. When you know who you are and you like who you are, that energy radiates from you and is very attractive to friends and potential partners alike.
It sounds like you are young. When you are young, attention from potential partners is the foundation of your self esteem. If they like you, it validates your manhood. If they don’t, you think something is wrong with you. It’s time to start validating yourself.
It also sounds like you are experiencing a lot of time in Stage Seven (the dark night of the soul). Although you are trying to honestly assess yourself for the dating scene, it also sounds like you don’t like yourself very much right now and you don’t think you have a lot to offer. That combination is making you look for excuses to avoid the quest for real love. It is easier to not try than to feel the rejection.
The key is to get to know YOU. Get comfortable and confident with YOU, and develop what you have to offer. This is perfect timing because the ladies in your age range may need some time to learn that looks should not be top priority. They will get it. Give them time.
I am going to recommend something… let’s work on YOU. And I don’t mean get you a gym membership. Let’s work on your mind, your heart and your soul. Let’s get you to the point that you can love yourself unconditionally, confidently know your strengths, validate yourself and are out there living a fulfilling life of all your favorite activities.
