Look – for real…. I am a shitty parent, and so are you. The concept of good mom, good dad, and good parent is undefined and as such has taken on an idealized form that for the large majority is unattainable. Ask 100 people what it means to be a good parent and you will get 100 answers based largely on what they wish their parents had been. We are chasing something that does not exist. We are trying to be a standard that is never defined.
For the small minority who appear to have attained this perfection of parenthood, it is likely because they lucked out with a compliant child, you do not know their other children, or you only see the parts they choose to show you – the happy parts that make them look like great parents. They are sure as hell not showing you the embarrassing stuff and all of their precious baby’s bad decisions.
Our children did not choose to come into our lives. If they could choose their parents as children, they would have chosen someone who would give them anything they wanted anytime they wanted it. And although we chose to have children, we did not choose to have THOSE children. IF we had been given a choice, we would have chosen children who are perfectly compliant, never rebel, manage their money like adults, focus on school, and never repeat our mistakes. But the parents they would choose and the children we would choose – neither is good for humanity. So we don’t get to choose each other. We are dealt at random parents who are just trying to figure it out and kids who must suffer their own internally-focused journey through the gauntlet of adolescence.
As parents, we suck. Each child seems to need a unique parenting style and by the time we figure it out they are grown. What would have been a good parent for you, would not have necessarily been a good parent for your child. Each of us is so unique that we need something a little different. As children, we also suck. Because of a hundred reasons that give our parents grey hair and a penchant for alcohol.
We need to recognize that in both of these roles, we are all so very imperfect. We need to define for ourselves what our own individual goals are as parents; and that goal or metric CANNOT be based on what your kids do or do not do. Because I guaran-damn-tee it – your kids will do something stupid – there will likely be several massively ill-advised decisions, beliefs, actions or behaviors from your precious angels and if your success as a parent is defined by that, you are heading for no end of stress, grey hair and alcohol. Your success as a parent – and for that fact in any arena – should be based on factors that you have control or at least significant influence over. Lastly, your criteria for defining yourself as a successful parent must END by the time they graduate High School or Start College – you must relinquish all responsibility for their success or failure from that point forward because you are no longer in control and no longer have significant influence.
So here is my definition of whether or not I have been a successful parent to any child (biological or step) I have had the pleasure and pain of raising:
- While under my roof, they generally…
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- Did not smell too awful (.. LOL. I raised boys)
- Were kind to people
- Learned to feed, dress and take care of themselves
- Learned from their bad choices and then…
- They were delivered to college alive, and without an arrest record
Anything else is a bonus. And here’s the key: everything else after that first college drop off day is THEIRS – all the success, all the failure, the good choices and the bad… ALL THEIRS. I will not take credit for THEIR awesomeness and I will not save them from THEIR consequences. If they ask for my advice, I will openly and honestly give it; and if they do not ask, I will keep my opinions to myself.
Maybe you think that’s harsh. Maybe you think I am a bad parent. I guarantee I am, and so are you, and that’s OK.
~ Love, KC
