Connecting to your colleagues, those on the same hierarchical level as you, offers some opportunities that connecting to your team does not. First, you colleagues are more likely, although not guaranteed, to be honest with you. Not everyone chooses to air their personal issues at work. Some are quite reserved, and rightfully so. In this age, nothing is a secret so why open the door to judgement in the first place? But among your colleagues will undoubtedly be a few people who have become friends. And a few other that are what I would call work-friends. And others that are just colleagues. A friend is someone whom you actually bother to keep contact with outside of work. You might actually hang out for fun outside of work time and be supportive of each other’s personal lives. A work-friend, however, is a little different in that the friendship is genuine, but limited to work. You would possibly share personal details with a work friend, and be supportive of each other’s personal lives, but only at work. You would go so far as to hang out or have contact beyond work hours. For all the rest, we will just call them colleagues. These are people that you only discuss work with, and only during work hours. Things don’t ever get personal and you like it that way. I bother to make the distinction, because you will want to approach connection differently in each group. This distinction comes around naturally but changes how we interact with them.
Let’s start with colleagues that are friends. Connecting to this group is easy. You probably talk on social media or text outside of work and have a good idea of what is going on in their personal lives. You already have a good connection. If you see that they are struggling at work, you can help by shifting them into the right stage for their efforts. This is not so different from how you might help your team. The difference here is that you know exactly what the personal issue is that is driving the problem. So you can anticipate what stage they will come to work in, and how to shift them to a better stage.
For example, you might be aware that they are going through a divorce or relationship breakup, or family illness, or even a personal medical issue. These personal problems will drive them to Stage Three where they will focus on their needs for a while. Each day at work, you might need to shift them to Stage Four (Others), or even Stage Seven (Questioning), depending on their specific job. But don’t jump right into that. First, account for their personal needs, like any caring friend would. Ask how they are doing. Offer compassion and sympathy. Then you might say, “OK, let’s get you focused.” Then, once their needs for compassion and connection are met, they will be open to shifting to another stage. Use the appropriate questions to walk them through the stages, one after another, until they reach the right stage. I caution against driving them immediately into later stages, as it might not stick for the whole day.
Keep your questions work-focused. For example, when shifting to Stage Four, talking about the needs of others should be focused on the work needs of others there at the organization. When talking about ideologies, focus on the principles of your organization, not today’s national politics. And when questioning everything, question the industry, the product or service status quo, and not the meaning of life or their own personal future.
Let’s take another example. Suppose you know your friend is obsessed with politics right now. It’s all they ever text you about or post about on social media. You know that when they walk in the door for work today, they are going to be in a solid Stage Five (Ideology). You can head that off immediately by diverting the conversation to the principles of the organization or a new policy/process idea (validating their need to focus on ideology for a bit). Then, help to bring them around to the appropriate stage for their job. As before, keep it all work-focused. That is, adapt your discussion and questions to focus on the needs, others, ideology, etc of the organization and not on their personal or outside life.
For work-friends, I would advise the same thing. The one thing I would change between friends and work-friends is that you should be sure to offer support outside of work focused on your friend’s personal life, to ensure that your work connection does not erode your personal connection. For work-friends, you can refocus on the personal side at the end of the day.
For colleagues that are just colleagues, you are just about in the same boat as your team manager here. Your colleagues have a reason for not sharing personal information and you need to respect that. But you can still assess what stage they are in, and you can still help to shift them to a better stage for the work of the day. Use the techniques in Connecting To Your Team.
Yes, you are doing the job of your team manger here. And why not. You have a distinct advantage in understanding their personal challenges that your team manager will not likely have. And as they say, they who do the job, have the job. Assisting your colleagues in this way, you might just find yourself promoted to the next level.
