Trust is the most crucial element in any relationship. While you might do business with someone you do not fully trust, you will not last long in an intimate partnership without trust.
Trust, once lost, is impossible to rebuild in the same way and to the same depth. You have one shot to get trust right from day one. There are plenty of authors and counselors that work to restore broken trust in close relationships. And many that claim success. But in our human psychology, trust is such a critical foundation that unless the root cause of the problem is now gone, there will always be lingering mistrust in the subconscious of at least one of you. If the root cause of the broken trust is now gone, then it may be possible to build trust again.
For example, if the trust is broken by infidelity, you will have to dig deep to find the root cause. Why did they cheat? What were they looking for? Acceptance? Love? Caring? Adventure? Danger? Are you ready to supply that for them? Has the environment changed?
Trust can be broken by other means as well. Because partners trust in a lot of things. You trust that you are the number one priority. You trust that they will do what they say they will do. You trust that they love you enough to be on time, to take time and to focus on you. You trust them to stick to the spend plan month after month and to discuss major purchases. You trust that if they have a problem they are facing, they will bring it to you. You trust that they will be there for you when you need them, etc.
Trust can be broken by a gambling addict who hides the losses, by a partner that sets certain topics as off limits for discussion, or who treats your children as second class because they are not biologically theirs. In these situations, you must remove the environment that caused it by having total transparency on finances, fostering an environment of open communication and squashing jealousy though serious self work. Then, trust might be restored.
In cases where one partner turned against the other, cases of abuse and harm (physical, emotional or psychological), I hate to say it, and please, someone prove me wrong, you are not going to get that trust back again. This relationship will never be what it was. And that is a good thing. Let it go.
So you see how fragile trust is. But at the same time, how trust is the singular foundation for the entire relationship.
Let’s suppose that you have not yet broken trust, or that your relationship is new and just starting to build trust, or that perhaps that relationship has not yet come along and you are smartly thinking ahead. Most partners have what I will call a default level of trust. You trust each other on lots of things but may not have ever discussed it.
This is where trust and expectation get confused. You expect that they will do or not do certain things. You trust that they will do or not do them. Same thing, right? Not exactly. Expectation is a form of attachment. It sets us up for stress and disappointment. But is that the same as trust?
Trust is defined as reliance on or confidence in some person or quality. Expectation is about visualizing specific future actions. Trust is inherently broader, while we expect specific actions that validate that trust. For example, I trust that he loves me so I expect that he will demonstrate that by giving me attention and treating me kindly. When he does not give me attention, I fear that he does not love me. Trust is about the quality (love), while expectation is about specific action or inaction (giving attention, not cheating, etc). See the difference?
If you require your partner to fulfill a bunch of expectations in order to maintain your trust, then you have no trust at all.
Trust, in relationships, really comes down to believing that this person would not harm you, whether physically, mentally, professionally, emotionally or otherwise. Trust is a risk assessment. That is why we might trust a stranger but not our parents. Trust is a deeply rooted measure of what risk this person poses to do us harm, or to allow someone else to do us harm. If I trust you, it means I think you are not likely to do me harm and I think you’ll have my back if someone else tries to do me harm. If I don’t trust you, it means I think you are likely to do me harm in some way, or allow others to harm me. Like all measures, it’s a sliding scale. You can trust someone a little, or a lot, or not at all, or you can trust them one hundred percent.
So, assuming that trust has not been broken, how do you build it? That is where expectation and validation are your friend. To build trust with your partner you need to:
- Drop all judgement and expectation
- Express your needs and fears
- Listen to your partner do the same
- Give and receive support for your needs
- Give and receive protection / care
It is a lot simpler than it sounds.
First, put your judgement and expectations on the shelf, because you need to be able to speak freely. Then, speak up. Someone has to go first. Don’t assume that your partner can read your mind or that they know all your needs and fears. Be brutally honest, and be kind. Now listen. Do not interpret, just listen and remember. Do not respond. Just listen and make a list of what you hear, on paper or in your head. Catalog their needs and fears.
Once you have both shared your needs, support each other. What is support? We throw that word around a lot. You want your partner to support you, but can you define what that means? How can you support them? Support is really just about finding ways to make sure they get what they need. People are not always good at attending to their needs. That’s where a good partner comes in. Knowing what their needs are, you can notice when they are not being met. You can ask how you might help them meet their needs.
For example, if sleep is a major need for your partner, and you notice that they didn’t sleep well last night, you can offer a hug, say that you noticed, and ask if they could fit in a nap later. You can offer to take some of their chores tonight to give them a break. That is what support looks like. From your partner’s perspective, just having you notice their need will make them more likely to be more kind to themselves today. Being seen is the basis for connection. The effect of this on your deepening connection to your partner can not be overstated.
Address each other’s fears similarly. If you know that your partner has a fear of abandonment, for example, you can make a point to come home when you say you will. If you have a fear of spiders, your partner might be the one to get them out of the house. It’s not hard. But the effect on your connection with your partner will be profound.
