Question: I want to try out some of the techniques you have for couples, but my partner is not really into it. What can I do?
Answer: No worries! The answer is simple. Be the partner you want to have. Lead by example. Let me explain. You are not trying to change your partner. You are not trying to brainwash or manipulate your partner. You are only seeking deeper connection. Not everyone is into relationship exercises. That’s OK. You will find that if you just open a conversation with the right question, they will answer it. For example, you will want to start with building trust. Don’t say, “babe, I want us to build trust.”… that’s creepy. Looking at the trust building recommendations, you can see that discussing needs and fears is important. So ask your partner what their needs are. Get them thinking. Ask them what their biggest fears are. Then, offer support and care. Basically, do your half of each exercise. Most of the time, they will ask the same questions back to you, and seeing your example, feeling your caring and support, will naturally offer the same back to you. If they do not, and they leave the issue one-sided, you might have to just speak up about your needs without them asking. That’s perfectly OK and in fact, I encourage it. If they detail their needs and fears, share yours too! If they do not think to support your needs, ask them specifically for what you would like them to do. For example, if you did not sleep well, you might ask them if they could put the kids to bed tonight so that you could head to bed early.
In terms of sexual exercises, there is plenty you can do on your own. When your partner notices the difference (and they will!), you can divulge your new techniques. They might then be open to more.
Even finances can be a point of deepening connection. If you are usually the money master in the house, but you want them to be more involved, just strike up a conversation asking their opinion on whatever financial thing you want to discuss. You don’t need to say, “I want you to be more involved.” That is scary to your partner because it is too undefined. Ask you partner specific questions like what they think about saving for some specific thing, or do they think you should have a budget line for this or that next month. Valuing their opinion if the key to gaining their involvement. See the difference?
The thing you want to avoid is thinking that their lack of interest in the subject means something about you or them, or the relationship. It usually does not. You might be afraid to ask for what you need. You might be afraid that they will refuse to support you. You might be afraid to face the reality that your relationship might not be a good one. But if this relationship is not a good one, you are better off knowing sooner rather than later. Speak up. Give it a try. Never be afraid to face reality. Because the reality might be that this connection has the potential for deeply divine love. And that is worth the effort.
So be the partner you want to have. Lead by example, with patience and without judgement. Offer the love and support you crave. And don’t be surprised when it is all returned ten fold.
