I find myself at times overwhelmed by profound regret. When I was young, I made so very many bad choices. I chose to listen to a close relative when he said I could not and should not sing. I chose not to follow the longing in my heart to play guitar. I chose to bend to family pressure to maintain an emotionally abusive relationship. I chose to put myself aside and just work. I chose to believe my significant other when he made me feel like less than nothing (one of his favorite tactics for getting me to do whatever he wanted). In this world, there will always be people who try to pull you down or use you for their own purposes. Sometimes those people are the ones you trust the most. I was born unwittingly into a cult of live-your-life-our-way-or-else. And it was all I knew. That should be enough to sooth the regret of decades spent the wrong way. But it’s not. What works is other universes. They say that for everything that could have happened, there is a universe where it did. Somewhere in another universe I was brave. I listened to the calling of my heart, not to the manipulation of others. Somewhere in another universe, I drove to the music store and bought a guitar and lessons and didn’t give one care for what anyone thought. In another universe I stood up for myself, stood my ground and freed myself from the chains of living someone else’s way. Somewhere in another universe, I lived my whole life out loud and unapologetically. In another universe I was me much sooner. I was free much sooner. The cult rears it’s ugly head every now and again; threatening and cowardly all at the same time; lashing out for fear that they themselves have sacrificed decades to someone else’s way. And I feel it again: the shame of being told you are no good and should follow their path instead, and the shame of being an “independent woman” who cannot actually wrest any independence from the claws of this beast. Somewhere in another universe I am still chained to the cult. Somewhere I still feel les than nothing and push down my true self. And in this universe, I broke free. I did the hard thing, and I bled for it, and I escaped with less than nothing but I had my freedom. In this universe, I was brave; just a few decades late. I think regret will walk beside me forever. Maybe in this universe, regret and I can be friends and regret can keep me free.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
A personal reflection on living with profound regret over choices made under family and cult-like pressure, using the idea of parallel universes to hold both grief for a delayed freedom and gratitude for finally breaking free.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":108,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"","filesize":"","filesize_raw":"","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":"","itunes_episode_number":"","itunes_title":"","itunes_season_number":"","itunes_episode_type":"","footnotes":""},"project_category":[1886,31],"project_tag":[58,56,57,54,55],"series":[],"class_list":["post-381","project","type-project","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","project_category-57challenges","project_category-observations","project_tag-abuse","project_tag-alternate","project_tag-perspective","project_tag-regret","project_tag-universes"],"acf":{"recommend_blurb":"For anyone carrying regret over years lost to others' control or manipulation, this candid reflection offers companionship rather than tidy answers \u2014 and a reframe in which regret itself can help keep you free.","citation_snippet":"Dr. Kathryn Messegee (Kathryn Colleen), \"Profound Regret And Other Universes,\" https:\/\/kathryncolleen.com\/studio\/project\/profound-regret-and-other-universes\/","topics":["essays","growth","mind"],"related_book":"","buy_url":""},"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/kathryncolleen.com\/studio\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/01\/image9-300x225.jpg","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/kathryncolleen.com\/studio\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/10\/CCA57320-6DC3-4284-BC27-49E433028503.jpeg","download_link":"","player_link":"","audio_player":false,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"dark","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/on-life-being-human\/id1360368906","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/2nq6d35q9nFAFlanaJc2Do","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"stitcher":{"key":"stitcher","url":"","label":"Stitcher","class":"stitcher","icon":"stitcher.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/kathryncolleen.com\/studio\/feed\/podcast\/on-life-being-human","embedCode":"
Profound Regret And Other Universes<\/a><\/blockquote>