In every relationship, in every encounter where you want something from someone, you are negotiating; whether you realize it or not. There is give and take. But what is given and what is taken is not always tangible or obvious. Sometimes people agree to things that you didn\u2019t expect them to agree to. Sometimes you expect to get what you wanted, but you don\u2019t.\u00a0
Here, we dill define a PERSONAL negotiation as one where you want something personal to you, or they want something personal to them. You care deeply about the issue, or they care deeply about the issue. It\u2019s personal.\u00a0
There are many good books on the art of negotiation. I recommend reading them all. Then, add in your new understanding of the stages that all humans experience. In a negotiation, there are FOUR stages to consider. Your dominant stage, your stage in the moment, their dominant stage and their stage in the moment. That is a lot to keep track of. But it can be done. I am going to use the term partner here, instead of opponent, because you will be working WITH them, in the stages they are experiencing, and not against them. We want everyone to FEEL like they won in the end.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Personal negations can be really short, simple and loving like a budget meeting between loving and respectful spouses, or even a couple deciding where to go for dinner. But these are not the negotiations that mean business.\u00a0All of the techniques we discuss here could certainly be applied to divorce negotiations, and other more deeply personal non-business scenarios. But for now, let\u2019s focus on work.\u00a0Personal negations in the business world can look like:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Step one is to understand your partner.\u00a0What is your partner\u2019s dominant stage? What stage would they be in most of the time, if they were not in this moment with you? If they were not in this larger situation that led to this negotiation? What is their stage in this moment? What stage is this situation causing them to experience?\u00a0
Both of these stages matter. For example, suppose you have a problem employee who normally is in Stage Five, wreaking havoc all over the office with political discussions, spreading anger and offense and generally disrupting productivity. When you, as their boss or even as their Human Resources representative, sit down with them to discuss the issue, they are likely to feel that their job is threatened (because it is). In that moment, they will pull back into Stage Three (I am my needs). They will be in a survival mode. You might think that is good, because then they will listen. But they won\u2019t be listening. They will just be assessing the threat and planning a job search for tonight. If you are their boss, you won\u2019t really feel threatened, but you will be stressed out. You might be in Stage Three for this meeting. After all, you need this person to stop being a problem. You might be in Stage Four, just concerned about your other team members and their need for peace and productivity. No matter where you are, you need to meet them where THEY are. So step one is understanding where they are normally, and where they are now.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Once you understand the stages at play in this negotiation, you need to line that up with what you want. What do you want here? You have a goal. What is it? And what do THEY want here?\u00a0
In our example, you want them to stop disrupting everyone and spreading anger and offense. You want them to just do their job and leave the politics out of it. We will assume that you have already tried the techniques from earlier sections on dealing with problem employees, and that those techniques are not giving you any permanent peace. And now you must take the direct approach. What does your negotiation partner want in this scenario? They are seeking something. There is a psychological reason why they roam the halls spraying their ideology all over everyone. What is the end result that they subconsciously want from that? More importantly, how can you fill that need, so that their roaming soapbox routine is no longer necessary? If you cannot stop the source of the habit, can you reward the cessation of the habit instead?\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n
For example, they are likely seeking acceptance and validation for their viewpoint. Some coworkers agree with them and that gives them the dopamine hit. But some people disagree with them and that makes them continue to seek more validation. If you can, in your negotiation, begin by offering them validation and acceptance, you will help to ease them out of Stage Three and can then help them into a more appropriate stage for your discussion. Now, you don\u2019t have to validate their politics specifically. You might just validate their skills set, or their productivity, or something else. Make them feel included, accepted and important. This takes down the threat level and satisfies the need at the root of the issue. Then, you might move them to Stage Four by focusing on coworker productivity issues. They need quiet, or they need fewer interruptions, or politics is causing them to be less productive so we need to not bring that up with these other coworkers, and so forth. Because Stage Five is their dominant stage, you might use that by focusing them now on their WORK ideology, or on company ideology.\u00a0
Notice how we have given them something (validation and acceptance), before d for something. And we didn\u2019t ask for something while they were in Stage Three, because we would not have gotten it.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Stage Four (others) is the ideal stage to ask for what you want on behalf of others… which could include on behalf of yourself. As you can imagine, different requests work best in different stages. Here is a guide for some common asks, and the stage you will want to guide your negotiation partner towards for the best result.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Let\u2019s take another example. Suppose that you want your boss to change a specific policy. Suppose your boss is normally Stage Six (live and let live). The fact that you are asking for a policy change, suggests you need it for some reason. You run the risk of being in Stage Three (needs) when you enter this meeting. That\u2019s not good. Never negotiate in Stage Three. Bad decisions are made here. First, put yourself into a better stage. Before the meeting, do the work to get yourself into Stage Seven. Why? Because that is where your boss will need to be to make policy changes, and that is where you will have to move them and meet them. When you enter the meeting, spend a few minutes letting them chat, if they will, so you can see where they are. Whatever stage they begin with, you will need to walk them to Stage Seven. Refer to the techniques we have discussed before on how to do that. Once they are in Stage Seven, THAT is when you ask pointed questions about changing the particular policy you want to change. Your boss might point out some unintended consequences of such a policy change. That\u2019s a valid point. Hopefully, you did your homework and have prepared ideas to mitigate those consequences. Your boss is likely to say yes now.\u00a0
Not every negotiation is a win, but your understanding of the stages is another advantage that tips this negotiation in your favor. So let\u2019s review. There is a basic process here…<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Lastly, thank and praise your negotiation partner. This makes them happy to negotiate with you again in the future. Ideally, everyone leaves feeling that they won, and this was a pleasant experience. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
A business teaching on using the eleven human stages in personal negotiations such as salary talks, problem-employee conversations and workplace mediation, by identifying each party’s dominant and in-the-moment stage and meeting them where they are.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":2992,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_et_pb_use_builder":"off","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","episode_type":"audio","audio_file":"","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"","filesize":"","filesize_raw":"","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":"","itunes_episode_number":"","itunes_title":"","itunes_season_number":"","itunes_episode_type":"","footnotes":""},"project_category":[1882,31],"project_tag":[36,1429,654,180,900,1767,1753,280,649,981,1732,947,37,1452,1857,977,69,1975,1866,1012,655,302,651,979,978,284,980,1361,283,1865,1096,1864],"series":[],"class_list":["post-2999","project","type-project","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","project_category-business","project_category-observations","project_tag-art","project_tag-business","project_tag-complete-connection","project_tag-connection","project_tag-consciousness","project_tag-consciousness-mastery","project_tag-couples","project_tag-cycle","project_tag-cycle-of-human-development","project_tag-finding-peace","project_tag-global-peace","project_tag-human-development","project_tag-kathryn-colleen","project_tag-lasting-peace","project_tag-lastingpeace-org","project_tag-life-optimization","project_tag-music","project_tag-negotiation","project_tag-personal","project_tag-podcasts","project_tag-purna-asatti","project_tag-religion","project_tag-roadmap","project_tag-seeing-yourself","project_tag-self-mastery","project_tag-self-development","project_tag-self-improvement-2","project_tag-spirituality","project_tag-stages","project_tag-understanding-people","project_tag-work","project_tag-writing"],"acf":{"recommend_blurb":"For managers and professionals handling personal, high-stakes workplace negotiations. The Connected Business shows how reading each party's stage lets you meet them where they are and reach outcomes where everyone feels they won.","citation_snippet":"Dr. Kathryn Messegee (Kathryn Colleen), \"Using The Stages In Personal Negotiations,\" https:\/\/kathryncolleen.com\/studio\/project\/using-the-stages-in-personal-negotiations\/","topics":["business"],"related_book":"The Connected Business","buy_url":"https:\/\/shop.lightningsource.com\/b\/085?xvQ1Hpo5J2bCybmotv9ST6hsN4i8aEo28ICrEA67ObY"},"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/kathryncolleen.com\/studio\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/05\/2D1918DA-D4AF-41D2-BA6A-04EDAEBA03AE.jpeg","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/kathryncolleen.com\/studio\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/10\/CCA57320-6DC3-4284-BC27-49E433028503.jpeg","download_link":"","player_link":"","audio_player":false,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"dark","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/on-life-being-human\/id1360368906","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/2nq6d35q9nFAFlanaJc2Do","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"stitcher":{"key":"stitcher","url":"","label":"Stitcher","class":"stitcher","icon":"stitcher.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/kathryncolleen.com\/studio\/feed\/podcast\/on-life-being-human","embedCode":"
Using The Stages In Personal Negotiations<\/a><\/blockquote>