I had a terrible little piece of baggage from when I was about thirteen years old. And it took me until my forties to unpack it. My artistic and expressive self was blooming. I liked to play with unusual makeup looks and artistic clothes. One day, on my way out the door to school, I was dressed in a dress I can only describe as an art piece, painted by my Aunt, Peggy DeBell, and emblazoned with the boldest teal, blue and purple eyeshadow that matched the mermaid colors in the dress. I felt amazing. My father, doing the best he could, became angry that I would go to school looking so stand-outish. He said, \u201cYou look like a clown.\u201d At thirteen, you would think my natural rebellion would have let me blow that off and revel in telling the old man to f*ck off. But that\u2019s not what happened. Because I loved my dad and his approval meant everything, I cried. I bawled all the way to school. It was too late to change. And on that day, I used his words to build a prison for the artistic, spiritual, expressive and experimental side of myself, and I locked it away. I cried that day, feeling ashamed, not because he said mean words, and not because I feared the loss of his love, but because I had to lock my true self away to get it. I denied myself that day, and THAT was the root of my shame. Fast forward to my forties, and every time I would play with even slightly unusual makeup looks like a bit of white eyeliner or purple lipstick, I would hear his voice denigrating me. My own son became a surrogate for my baggage. If he was going out with us, I would keep the look conservative. Why? I would tell you it was because teenagers can give their parents no end of shit, but the real reason is that I was afraid that I would not stand up for myself. And then I would feel shame. Shame comes from not standing up for yourself. Shame is a feeling. It\u2019s your feeling. You choose to feel it. It has nothing to do with what anyone did or might say or do. It has everything to do with YOU denying your TRUTH. There are times, for certain, when some level of conformity is called for. But on your own time, what excuse do you have to deny your full self? When you reach the stage of financial independence and you don\u2019t need anyone\u2019s approval or validation, what excuse do you have? Be your full, bold, expressive self, or whatever your true self is. But don\u2019t deny it and don\u2019t blame anyone else for your own suppression of it. What have you been holding back on? Have you suppressed some aspect of what you want to do or be? How can you allow your true self to come forward?\u00a0<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
A personal essay tracing the author’s lifelong shame back to a childhood moment of hiding her artistic, expressive self to win approval, arguing that shame arises from denying your own truth rather than from others’ words.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":1975,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_et_pb_use_builder":"off","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","episode_type":"audio","audio_file":"","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"","filesize":"","filesize_raw":"","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":"","itunes_episode_number":"","itunes_title":"","itunes_season_number":"","itunes_episode_type":"","footnotes":""},"project_category":[1886,31],"project_tag":[36,1848,654,180,280,649,1847,981,947,1452,977,1248,655,302,186,979,978,284,980,605,1846,1361,283,853],"series":[],"class_list":["post-2374","project","type-project","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","project_category-57challenges","project_category-observations","project_tag-art","project_tag-cause","project_tag-complete-connection","project_tag-connection","project_tag-cycle","project_tag-cycle-of-human-development","project_tag-denial","project_tag-finding-peace","project_tag-human-development","project_tag-lasting-peace","project_tag-life-optimization","project_tag-poetry","project_tag-purna-asatti","project_tag-religion","project_tag-science","project_tag-seeing-yourself","project_tag-self-mastery","project_tag-self-development","project_tag-self-improvement-2","project_tag-self-understanding","project_tag-shame","project_tag-spirituality","project_tag-stages","project_tag-true-self"],"acf":{"recommend_blurb":"For anyone who has suppressed part of themselves to fit in and wants encouragement to reclaim authentic self-expression without blaming others.","citation_snippet":"Dr. Kathryn Messegee (Kathryn Colleen), \"The Real Cause Of Shame - Denying The True Self,\" https:\/\/kathryncolleen.com\/studio\/project\/the-real-cause-of-shame-denying-the-true-self\/","topics":["growth","mind"],"related_book":"","buy_url":""},"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/kathryncolleen.com\/studio\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/07\/9AE59CB1-82C6-4ACB-8576-5AD56DF439D2.jpeg","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/kathryncolleen.com\/studio\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/10\/CCA57320-6DC3-4284-BC27-49E433028503.jpeg","download_link":"","player_link":"","audio_player":false,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"dark","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/on-life-being-human\/id1360368906","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/2nq6d35q9nFAFlanaJc2Do","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"stitcher":{"key":"stitcher","url":"","label":"Stitcher","class":"stitcher","icon":"stitcher.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/kathryncolleen.com\/studio\/feed\/podcast\/on-life-being-human","embedCode":"
The Real Cause Of Shame – Denying The True Self<\/a><\/blockquote>