Ram Das once said, \u201cIf you think you are enlightened, spend a week with your family.\u201d He was so right. If you gathered with family over the holidays, they probably drove you nuts. How is it that in a few short hours, a relatively small span of time, your family can manage to make you feel like nothing, feel like running as fast as you can out of there, and\/or feel a myriad of other things? <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Family has the key to your subconscious. They have a special side door through which they enter and conduct their mayhem.\u00a0To their credit, they do not usually do this intentionally. They are often just playing out patterns of behavior that they learned from their own parents, siblings and grandparents. They are playing out subconscious (or conscious) jealousy, regrets, insecurities and the like. Simply being a negative person can be passed from family member to family member. That does not make it any easier for you to handle.
<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The fact that they seem to have a secret door through our defenses can be really infuriating. Come on. I am beyond this! I am enlightened! I have touched stage eleven! I have witnessed first hand the oneness of matter and energy and humanity and the universe and the divine. How can they still make me feel so small and insignificant?
<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When we are young (less than seven years), our minds are so impressionable that we take much of what we see and experience into the subconscious. The people who were around at that time of your life, therefore, have the ability to trigger baggage and insecurities more easily than anyone else.\u00a0
<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Some will say that their behavior is just that – THEIRS. We can say that it has nothing to do with you but that is not entirely true. It may have to do with the fact that they are jealous of you – did you achieve a dream they never could? Are you happy in your life while they are miserable? Do you remind them of someone who hurt them (which could be themselves)? Or it may have to do with the fact that they resent you\u2026 It has something to do with you in that they are taking it out on you whether they realize it or not. It is about them but it affects you.
<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Here is the really hard part – you will not change them. You cannot change other people\u2019s behavior, perspectives or attitudes. You can only change your own. The only effective defense I have seen so far is mindfulness. If you can step back from it as it is happening and say – there it is\u2026 there they are doing that again\u2026 isn\u2019t that interesting – you may be able to take the sting out of it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Otherwise, your only escape is literally escape. Plan ahead and spend as little time with them as possible. Be kind. Treat them as if it was their last day. But some healthy boundaries and distance may be called for. Don\u2019t plan to stay with people who treat you badly. Period. Stay somewhere else. If you cannot afford to stay somewhere else, don\u2019t go at all.\u00a0
<\/p>\n\n\n\n
That is not going to be a popular idea. But if you have a family member that leaves you feeling depressed, belittled, sad, etc, consider not hanging around them. \u201cBut they are my family!\u201d, you say. They are your blood, I say. Family and blood are not always the same thing. Family is supportive, positive, happy when you are happy, and lifts you up. Blood is just a genetic relationship. Blood does not make family. Family is made by those who hold you up when you cannot emotionally stand on your own, and those who teach you to be strong. Family is made by those who see the best in you and point it out to you regularly. Family chooses you and you them. So take heart – your blood relatives may drive you nuts, but you can always return to your true family and heal.\u00a0
<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Try this: when you think you have to gather with specific people at a specific time of year, ask yourself; are they family or are they blood? Do you feel good around them or bad? What space and time will you need to counteract their effects? Is it worth it? What is your mission in this situation? Are you here to feel good that you treated them nicely? OK – focus on the mission. Are you here because you just think you have to? Think again. You don\u2019t have to do anything. Challenge the rules and beliefs you grew up with. Question everything. Ultimately – do what is right for you and for your true family.\u00a0
<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Keep in mind that your absence from one of these events might actually be welcome. Shock! Maybe they don\u2019t like being around you either. Maybe you just have a personality clash. Maybe your presence reminds them of where they went wrong. Maybe your arrival signals the onset of their regret. Maybe your joy reminds them how miserable they are. You cannot control their reaction to you. But you cannot present a lie either. You being you and they being them clashes. It\u2019s OK to avoid that for both of your sakes.
<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Are they family? Or are they blood? Recognizing the difference can help lock that side door in your unconscious that they keep getting in through. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Step back and see the normal, human experience of frustration with blood relatives. See that you have what family is supposed to be, it just might not be your relatives. See that this too is human and \u00a0you, sweet enlightened soul, are still human too. Laugh at this familiar scene that plays out in every home. Revel in your humanity and turn this frustration into joy. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
An essay on why family can so easily trigger old subconscious baggage during holiday gatherings, offering mindfulness and healthy boundaries \u2014 including choosing distance \u2014 as the main defenses, and distinguishing supportive family from mere blood relation.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":1264,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_et_pb_use_builder":"off","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","episode_type":"audio","audio_file":"","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"","filesize":"","filesize_raw":"","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":"","itunes_episode_number":"","itunes_title":"","itunes_season_number":"","itunes_episode_type":"","footnotes":""},"project_category":[1886,31,1884],"project_tag":[1023,1029,1026,654,180,280,649,601,311,111,981,1024,1025,947,977,221,1027,57,655,1022,345,979,978,284,980,283,1030,1028,202],"series":[],"class_list":["post-1262","project","type-project","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","project_category-57challenges","project_category-observations","project_category-society","project_tag-blood","project_tag-breaks","project_tag-christmas","project_tag-complete-connection","project_tag-connection","project_tag-cycle","project_tag-cycle-of-human-development","project_tag-depression","project_tag-emotions","project_tag-family","project_tag-finding-peace","project_tag-frustration","project_tag-holidays","project_tag-human-development","project_tag-life-optimization","project_tag-mind","project_tag-new-years","project_tag-perspective","project_tag-purna-asatti","project_tag-relatives","project_tag-sadness","project_tag-seeing-yourself","project_tag-self-mastery","project_tag-self-development","project_tag-self-improvement-2","project_tag-stages","project_tag-subconscious","project_tag-summer","project_tag-vacation"],"acf":{"recommend_blurb":"For anyone who leaves family gatherings feeling small or drained, this gives permission to set boundaries and rethink obligation. A candid look at practicing mindfulness with difficult relatives.","citation_snippet":"Dr. Kathryn Messegee (Kathryn Colleen), \"Holidays With Family - The Cure For Enlightenment,\" https:\/\/kathryncolleen.com\/studio\/project\/holidays-with-family-the-cure-for-enlightenment\/","topics":["relationships","mind","growth"],"related_book":"","buy_url":""},"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/kathryncolleen.com\/studio\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/12\/People-Fighting.png","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/kathryncolleen.com\/studio\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/10\/CCA57320-6DC3-4284-BC27-49E433028503.jpeg","download_link":"","player_link":"","audio_player":false,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"dark","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/on-life-being-human\/id1360368906","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/2nq6d35q9nFAFlanaJc2Do","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"stitcher":{"key":"stitcher","url":"","label":"Stitcher","class":"stitcher","icon":"stitcher.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/kathryncolleen.com\/studio\/feed\/podcast\/on-life-being-human","embedCode":"
Holidays With Family – The Cure For Enlightenment<\/a><\/blockquote>