This is a great question… I stumbled on this question on the Tim Ferriss Podcast with Amanda Palmer (the more recent one). It challenges you to go back as far as you can remember and look for a time when you first felt that things are not OK. This usually points to your deepest fears, or at least the ones you may find hardest to get rid of.
My earliest memories are:
Visual of a set of stairs going down to another floor (basement?) in our house in Mobile AL. (2 years old)
Visual of looking up a steep driveway at the same house
A moving truck
Walking into our house in Orlando for the first time (3 years old)
How did I feel in these scenarios? Awe, the bigness of these things, exploration, adventure, discovery. I didn’t ask myself if everything was OK or not. I just didn’t assess things from that perspective. We will have to go further ahead in time. I remember preschool. I was probably four years old. That was probably the first time I felt that things are not OK. It was the first time I realized that nobody gave a f*ck about me. Nobody cared what I was going through there. Nobody understood. I was alone. It began a long road of hoping that some day someone would care about me. That someday took a very long time but did gloriously happen and has helped to heal my scars. I grew up a strange combination of scared of the world but knowing I was alone in my efforts. It did make me vulnerable to predators who would act like they cared and then take advantage for their own benefit. The message all along has been: you’re alone, kid. Don’t expect anyone to care, to help or to be there for you. You better be a self contained unit.
And so I am. It’s a tough lesson. But one that made me strong.
