We all want to be loved; and we all want to love someone else. Unfortunately, sometimes, the people we love do not seem to love us very much or at all, in return. It’s even worse when they claim to love you but their actions clearly speak otherwise. They insist that they love you, but their actions and/or words demonstrate that they do not. It becomes confusing and painful. Do they or don’t they?
They do, to the limited extent that they can. The large majority of the time (unless it’s a one night stand or random stranger), your family, spouse, long term love interests, children, etc really do actually love you. However – and this is critical – their capacity to love you is limited to their capacity to love themselves. That is, they can only love you to the extent that they love themselves. Someone who hates or despises themselves cannot love you in the way you probably expect them to. They are limited in what they can be for you. Likewise, someone who generally likes themselves but does not really love themselves can be a friend or acquaintance to you but cannot give you the kind of romantic love or parental love that you deserve. Relationships (family or romantic) will appear to work well in good times and when you are well matched on your capacity to love.
Over time, we each evolve at our own pace and (generally) our capacity to love ourselves and others grows. As the differences between your capacity to love and that of those around you become apparent, you may misinterpret their lack of capacity as not loving you. Looking at their not-loving actions, there is plenty of proof. Then you might think they are lying. And while some certainly are, most are not lying. They really do think, feel and believe that they love you. But they are not fully capable of loving you.
They lack the capacity and the skills. It’s just like when a child with a bike thinks and feels they are a daredevil as they jump over small obstacles in the street. They are… but their capacity to dare is a skill set that has not developed terribly far. Evil Kinevil on the other hand, had a very developed sense of daring and the skills to match. Similarly, you can develop your own capacity to love and the skills to match.
The lesson is this: to assess what type of relationship and/or boundaries you should have with someone, consider how much they really love themselves. Consider their capacity to love versus the kind of loving relationship that you need or want. While you are at it, take a look in the mirror. As there any self-loathing you need to work on so that you can have the capacity to love in the way that others deserve?
As always, you cannot change others so work on yourself.
