I am often asked about how to recognize real love. The complicated answer is in another article, but here I want to share a simpler test. Suppose someone claims to love you. Or maybe you think you love someone else. Let’s find out!
Real love is a combination of three things: joy, awe and gratitude. Let’s start with the case where you think you love someone. First you must ask yourself if you really know this person. Do you really see their truth? Or are you just projecting what you want them to be? If you know their truth then you can test your love like this:
- Do you feel joy? Does the fact they exist at all in this world make you smile? Regardless of their actions, do you feel joy that they exist?
- Next, do you feel awe? Do you feel amazed at the fact that someone like that exists in this world? Do you feel awe at certain aspects of their personality?
- Lastly, do you feel gratitude? Do you feel gratitude for the fact that they exist in this world? Do you express your gratitude to them? Do you feel gratitude for all they do for you?
If you feel joy, awe and gratitude when you think about them, then what you are feeling is divine unconditional love.
Now let’s turn that around. Suppose someone loves YOU. Let’s find out. Is it unconditional love, conditional love or something else like lust or infatuation?
- Does your mere existence bring them joy? Do they take joy in seeing you happy? Do they take joy in supporting your independent path in this world?
- Are they in awe of you? Do they express awe in some aspects of your personality or skill sets?
- Do they feel and express gratitude? Are they thankful that you exist at all in this world? Do they express gratitude for the things you do for them?
If so, this is real unconditional love! Enjoy!
Now sometimes, people, may feel things that they do not express. They may feel joy, awe and gratitude but fail to express it. In these cases, you may catch them looking at you and smiling with that sheepish joy/amazement look.
Take a look at your own feelings and how much of them you express. Express your joy. Express your amazement and awe. And certainly express your gratitude. The best part is, you can express joy, awe and gratitude to anyone anytime, even if you are shy to express love specifically. When you express your own joy, awe and gratitude, it makes people feel wonderful and that makes you feel wonderful too.
Now, what if you realize that what you thought was unconditional love, is not? Examine it. Is it conditional love? Are you putting conditions on your love? Is your partner putting conditions on their love?
If you find that you are the one setting conditions, you can fix that. Choose to love without conditions, no matter what they say or do. Choose to find joy, awe and gratitude. Seek the ways they give you joy. Seek the things about them that inspire awe. And express your gratitude to them for what they do. See the divine light in your partner and it will grow.
If your partner is the one setting conditions, then you have a choice to make. Stay or leave. If the relationship is abusive, you should definitely leave in a safe way. If the relationship is fixable, you might want to try and fix it. First, break the cycles within your relationship by expressing your joy, awe and gratitude for the other person. See how they naturally respond. If more change is needed, ask them to do the same. Express that you would like to be more deeply connected to them. See where it takes you.
As always, working on yourself is the first step, even in a relationship. Be the kind of partner you want to have. Love unconditionally, and unconditional love will come to you.
