Money In Relationships – Manipulation and Extortion

When someone you know wants money from you, but they are not willing to go so far as violence or murder, they may resort to manipulation and/or extortion. This is far more common than you think. Manipulation and extortion comes, from my own experience, in three varieties.

If you want a relationship with me, you’ll have to pay.

This is probably my favorite. In this scenario, the family member in question only wants a relationship with you if you are sending them money. They may go so far as to threaten to cut off communication with you, if you are no longer funding their life. They might even say out loud that any relationship is predicated on you sending them money. They assume that you really want a relationship with them. They assume that you would be heartbroken if they, in their infinite awesomeness, were not part of your life. They assume wrong. I have seen this tried several times but I have never seen it work. Why? Because if you are demanding cash payment for a relationship that does not make you awesome. It makes you an escort. Nobody wants to be associated with someone who would engage in extortion. Trust me, if you give a mouse a cookie, it’s going to expect to be on your payroll for the rest of its life. By offering this ultimatum, the family or friend in question is actually doing you a favor. They are offering you a door out of a tortured and miserable relationship. Take it. Just say no.

I’ll be nice to you until I get the money and then I will show my true self.

There are times when you might fund a friend or family member for a one time or short term thing like college, a wedding, surgery or other one-off expenses. It can feel wonderful to help out. You are really close, right? And then as soon as they cash the check, they turn against you, seemingly out of the blue. Or if you are lucky they might just ghost you, never to be heard from again. What just happened here? Well, my gullible and well-meaning friend, you have been played. You have been manipulated. Remember that crime = opportunity x motive. Maybe they did actually use the money for what they said they would use the money for. You freely gave the money for that purpose. Or maybe they used the money for some other purpose. That really stings, doesn’t it? How could they do that to you? How could they manipulate you like that? What you really mean is how could they see you as so unworthy? So lesser? Such an object to be manipulated, and not as a human being with a heart and feelings?

Every person on this earth goes through developmental stages. It begins with separating ourselves from our experiences, then understanding our needs, and then understanding the needs of others. Until you understand that others have needs too, you will not develop the capacity for empathy, guilt and shame. Until you have the capacity for empathy, guilt and shame, people are just objects to be used for the fulfillment of your own needs.  THAT is how they could do that. And that is how they will do the same to others, given the opportunity, until time and experience evolves them. Now you already see their mistake here. They can never come back to this bank again, because the trust in the relationship is forever broken. There will never be trust here again. And if there cannot be trust, there cannot be any kind of a real connection. They have cashed in the relationship. They traded it for short term money, and then burned the bridge. If they return, you would be suspicious at best. You certainly would not fool enough to give them money again. Although the rejection and realization that you have been played is painful, be thankful for the lesson. Be thankful that you had the opportunity to learn this expensive lesson. Ask yourself this… can you think back on your interactions with them and see it now? Can you see how they were hiding something and you ignored it? Can you protect yourself in the future?

Pay up or else.

The third type of manipulation and extortion is just outright extortion. Pay up or else… or else I will tell your secrets. Or else I will hurt you or someone you care about. Hell, it works for the mafia. Why not the everyday citizen? This is actually a crime, but falls short of violence and opts instead for the THREAT of violence or damage to reputation, relationships or career.

If you have something to hide, you are vulnerable to this. Spy agencies and criminals alike bet you have something to hide. This kind of extortion, blackmail as it is called, is common for celebrities and those whose wealth is well known. There may be a constant stream of people who will threaten to claim all kinds of things… that you had an affair with them, that you fathered their child, that you hit them, and so forth. If you have nothing to hide, don’t give in. If you have something to hide, get a lawyer and some good advice and consider prosecuting them for blackmail. Keep in mind here, no secret is a secret for long, so prepare for the inevitability that your secret will get out. The best defense against blackmail is to not have any secrets at all. Don’t do anything that you wouldn’t want on the news.

But what if they, instead, threaten to harm your family, friends, pets, business or property? This is criminal extortion, so obviously the first step is to get the police involved and warn the threatened party. They may be bluffing, or they may actually do it. Let the authorities figure it out. Protect yourself. That is why so many UHNWIs have body guards.

The nature and effect of other people’s money is fascinating. Money becomes a representation of survival, but also of control and power… power over other people. If one can satisfy the need to survive and the desire for power and control all the same time, they will. This is the foundation of organized crime and the root of this type of extortion. Because crime happens when opportunity meets motive, and you cannot affect motive, you will have to affect opportunity. Don’t give them the opportunity to threaten you.