So far we have seen how money, or at least the representations we attach to it, can trigger murder, violence, anger, extortion, manipulation, oppression and control. Yikes! You might see by now that we are moving from the worst effects to the not-so-bad but should still be avoided effects. Eventually, we will get to the all the most positive and good effects of money. But we are not there yet. Bear with me. Let’s look at how money is used within relationships to force attachment.
Love me for the money.
The oldest idea in the book. If I have money and a flashy car, then I will be surrounded by lovers and feel worthy. This is every guy who ever drove up in an expensive car and tried to talk to a woman walking down the sidewalk. There are plenty of partners willing to love you for the money. In reality, they are loving your money through you. You are just kind of part of the deal, and that’s fine for now. Gold diggers, sugar babies, mistresses, and kept men. They go by many names. But they are all willing to act like they love you to enjoy your money.
Don’t get me wrong. You can be wealthy, and still find real unconditional love. If you look for love by flaunting your intellect, you will attract someone for whom intellect is a priority. But if you are looking for love by flaunting your wealth, you will attract someone for whom wealth is the priority.
And let us not rush to judgement here. Maybe you don’t want a love relationship right now. Maybe you just want to have fun. That’s OK. But at the heart of it, if you are looking for companionship, it’s because you are looking for acceptance. Eventually, you may choose to seek a deeper, more fulfilling connection. When that time comes, the good news is that money-based relationships are quickly and easily severed. Easy come, easy go!
You have to be nice to me because I give you money.
Sometimes money is not the foundation of the relationship, but is used as a means to force continued attachment later. For example, suppose that your parents give you money for college. If you are mean to them, they are not likely to pay for your school anymore. You feel compelled to continue to be nice and a have a positive relationship with them, even if they are not nice to you. Or even if they ARE nice to you. There may be no thought of control here. But the subtle threat of not having that cash can make you maintain relationships that you might otherwise allow to fade away. And it’s not always cash. Suppose your friend provides free babysitting for you. That would cost a lot of money otherwise. It has big cash value. You may find yourself putting up with more than you might put up with, just to keep getting that free babysitting.
Maybe if I pay for their lives, they will be nice to me.
As humans, we want so much to be accepted, especially by family, be it parents or kids or cousins. All too often, I see people paying for someone else’s expenses and it is clearly to try and keep them close. This is a little different than using the money for control. They are paying their expenses in hopes that they can remain a part of their lives. This is not the kind of emotional extortion that we talked about before. In this case, the family members in question never asked for this as a condition for the relationship. The payer just assumes that if they were not paying, their family would not have any reason to come around. It is an issue rooted in unworthiness. The idea is that money is all you have to offer, as opposed to love, acceptance, advice, caring, compassion or other traits. It is the payer who feels unworthy and offers essentially to pay their family to hang around. Not many people would say no to a free ride, so the situation is absolutely endless. What is worse, is that those family members are rarely actually kind to the payer. The payer is often destitute in the end, and dependent on those very people to take care of them.
In each of these scenarios, using money to force attachment ultimately amplifies feelings of unworthiness, and resentment. Is it the money’s fault? No. Remember that money is neither good or bad. It is just an extension of ourselves. We make choices about how to use it. When those choices are based on unworthiness, the result amplifies that unworthiness. When those choices are made in hate or anger, the result amplifies hate or anger. As with all things, the root emotion is the key.
