Even in what seems like a happy relationship, money can be a mechanism of control and oppression. There are many individuals who actively prefer to give up having anything to do with the finances, and are happy to trust their partner completely. We are not talk about them. What we are talking about is when one partner actively convinces the other partner that they are incapable, assumes absolute control of all the accounts, does not share information or planning with the other, and ultimately uses that control to oppress the other partner. It happens.
You’re no good with money.
It starts when your partner convinces you that you are no good with money. They will point out that check you bounced ten years ago, or remind you of some societal norm that people of your gender can’t manage money, or some cultural rule that they should be the one in charge. Eventually, tired of feeling lesser, you drop the subject all together and leave it to them.
Only I can have access to the money.
Once your partner controls the money, then they have all the access passwords, and they know where all the accounts are. If you try to get involved again, just wanting to know the state of things, you meet resistance. At first, it is resistance out of convenience. They just don’t have time to show you everything. That devolves to wondering why you care, and then reminding you that you wanted them to take to over. If your partner resists sharing your financial information with you, that should be a huge red flag. Transparency and honesty is key in any relationship, romantic or otherwise. If they are hiding the finances, there is a reason. That reason could be massive debt, gambling losses, or simply that they just don’t want you to know.
Here’s an allowance.
To get you off their back, they will offer you an allowance. Here’s some money you can control. It’s like telling your toddler that they are entirely in charge of their dessert choice. You don’t really care what they choose, but it makes them feel like they are in charge. The allowance makes you feel like you have come control. After all, you can do whatever you want with your allowance. Remember when you were a teenager? Did you get an allowance? Why? Because you were looking for independence and control and your parents were not yet ready to give it to you. You didn’t have independence or control then, and you don’t have it now.
Do what I say or I’ll take away the money.
To borrow a harsh but accurate analogy… a mouse approaches a mouse trap. He does not know what it does. He only knows that there is cheese and the cheese is just sitting there for the taking. The mouse does not understand why the cheese is free. So he keeps coming back to enjoy the cheese. And all the while, the one in charge of the trap is prepared to snap the mouses neck at any moment. I did warn you that it was harsh. But it’s true. The one who has absolute control over the money, can take it away at any moment, for any reason. Soon enough, just like in the good old teenage days, if you displease them, they take away your allowance. Do you see how this genius mechanism of control was put into place? Good. Now you can avoid it.
Now, just because you are clueless about your finances and your partner handles everything, does not mean they will turn into a control freak and start oppressing you. According to a 2019 survey by PolicyGenius.com, 16% of respondents “did not know core financial facts, including salary, debts, assets, credit scores, … about their partner.” Only 43% of couples manage their finances together. So there are plenty of people who have one spouse manage the money primarily, while the other can have access and awareness anytime they like. 5% of the people surveyed would like to leave their partner but feel they cannot to afford to do so. There is your percent of persons under financial control and oppression (in my opinion).
Financial control and oppression includes a great deal of secrecy. According to that same survey, 12-13% have secret accounts or credit cards, 9% have a secret retirement account, and 6% have a secret will. Perhaps most interestingly, 7% have a secret life insurance policy on their partner. Hmmmm. Watch your back and keep your finances open and transparent. Honesty is always the best policy.
