There is nothing like money to ruin a relationship, leading to anger, violence and even murder. As of 2017, according to the United Nations Office On Drugs And Crime, there are about 464,000 people murdered each year globally, outside of armed conflict. That is, 464,000 individuals die through homicidal violence. There are four main motives for murder: lust, love, loathing and loot… that is, money. According to the UN, 19% of all murders were due to organized crime. According to the FBI Uniform Crime Reporting Program, there are about 5 people per 100,000 population murdered in the United States yearly, and therefore about 1 per 100,000 people in the United States being murdered each year as part of organized crime, specifically. And the primary goal of organized crime is… money!
But the overwhelming majority of murders are committed by gangs in the quest for money, non-gang perpetrators who are in the process of committing a felony for money or property, and family or acquaintances who are arguing, often over money. There are plenty of murders committed over lust, love and hatred, but money seems to take top prize as the ultimate motivation.
As all crime is just a combination of opportunity meeting motive, you can see why violence over money is so common. But it’s not all about murder. Money arguments between spouses, business partners, bosses and employees, and families expecting inheritance, lead to all manner of domestic and workplace violence. And that all begins with anger.
In 2017, The New York post respites that almost half of couples fight about money, but that 60% did not like their partner’s spending habits, citing them as too frivolous or too tight in their spending. That means at least ten percent of couples have underlying anger about money that never makes it to the surface. And that’s just couples. What about siblings that were expecting an inheritance from mom and dad and find out later that they are cut out of the will, or will receive a less than equal share? What about employees who feel they are due for a raise? Or a business partner who finds out that the other partner has been embezzling, and now the business is going under?
Why do we get so angry about money in our relationships? All anger is rooted in fear. Yes, all of it. So the real question is, what is it about money that makes us AFRAID? Money is survival. Money is how we buy food, have a place to sleep, and shoes on our feet. If you feel like you don’t have enough money, you are really saying that you fear for your own survival. Money then becomes the surrogate for survival itself. Now you can see why someone would kill for it, or at a minimum, get really upset over it.
Let’s do a thought exercise. When you think about the concept of money, in general, how does it make you feel? Happy, sad, trapped, scared, worried, hopeful, joyous,…?
Your feelings about money tell you a lot about your relationship to money itself. But more than that, your feelings about money drive how it affects you in your relationships. If you always feel like you don’t have enough, then you will feel angry when you partner buys something new, because it makes you feel even more threatened. If your partner has baggage from a financially controlling past relationship, they will take your anger as a threat and fight back with anger of their own. And now you are fighting about money again.
The key to not letting money spark anger is to…
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Understand your feelings about money
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Don’t take it personally when bosses or family don’t shower you with cash, and
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Make a spend plan together with your partner every month and stick to it like a contract
We will get into monthly spend plans later, and how they can strengthen your relationships, leading to snuggles instead of fights. For now, just be aware that money is an emotional thing for a lot of people. It can lead to anger, violence and even murder. That’s another reason to keep your wealth quiet, and to never be a human ATM for family members. More on this next.
