Let me begin this with the harsh truth. Your family is under NO obligation to be nice to you. It not illegal to be an asshole, even to your own family. Sometimes close family that ideally should love you unconditionally and support you and be so kind and loving to you… DOESN’T. Sometimes family members are mean, abusive, and worse. Sometimes their humanity and ideologies get so wrapped around their egos that they are horrible to their own children, bothers, sisters, grandparents etc. I’m sorry. Life is not fair. We don’t all get the perfect TV family or even that fake perfect family that everyone posts on Facebook. Sometimes YOU are the asshole. Other times you simply lose the lottery on that one. And sometimes you need to walk away for your own sake. And sometimes you need to WALK BACK.
WHEN TO WALK AWAY – If you are being abused verbally, physically, or otherwise, walk away. If they are working against you, walk away. If they are intentionally doing and or saying things to be hurtful or vindictive, walk away. If they are on drugs and refuse to get help, walk away. I bet you can think of a few more. I you feel like you need to, you probably do. Unhealthy relationships with parents, siblings, and extended family need to be exited (spouses too but that’s waaaay to big for this article).
HOW TO WALK AWAY – How you exit is the key to your own peace of mind and possibly leaving the door open for reconnection later. The overarching thing is to BE KIND even if they are not. Before you walk away, have a conversation with them and express yourself (kindly). Find out if they knew their behavior was hurtful. If they insist on continuing their behavior, then at least you can exit with confidence. I have done this poorly in part before. Do NOT make a dramatic scene. I believe it would be much smarter to just quietly fade away. Please correct me if you have evidence otherwise. I get it – you have a point to make and want to defend yourself. But you will personally feel better if you just fade away gracefully. When they invite you to things, be busy. When they try to call, be in a meeting or out where it is noisy and text instead, etc. Fading away means calling less frequently, dropping down to the occasional text, quietly blocking them on social media, and eventually blocking them on your phone (if you need to). Slowly fade into non-communication. You may be surprised they they don’t notice or mind. Don’t take it personally. If they are nasty to you enough for you to walk away, it means they do not currently have the capacity to love you enough to care.
WHEN TO RECONNECT – While it is true that some do not change, people often change over time. They evolve through the stages of development and so do you. You may both reach stages where reconnection is possible. Maybe they are in rehab, or have experienced a significant life event that changes their perspective, etc. The thing is, you cannot force this moment. The right time will present itself to you and you will just know it. This might take months or years or decades but so be it. You will feel compelled to reconnect as will they. Be careful that you are not being manipulated or guilted, but feel a true compelling from your soul. The right time to connect is when you have personally evolved to not need anything from them (approval, money, etc) and you can come on independent terms from a place of compassion.
HOW TO RECONNECT – This is more complicated. The worst scenario I can imagine is one where there is a complete breech of trust. Let me share my story with you because I think it gets to the heart of the key ingredients for reconnection…
Ram Das said, “If you think you are enlightened, go spend a week with your family.” In April 2018, my father found himself in the ICU and my mom asked me to come down. I got on a plane the next day. Something called me to do it. I realize that does not seem odd at all. however, my relationship with my parents has been non-existent at best for YEARS and adversarial at its worst, with multiple incidences of what can only be characterized as stabbing me in the back. Five years ago, I walked away for my own sake when my dad openly stated that he intended to continue the hurtful behavior (and he did, just in my absence). So why in all hell would I choose to put myself in the same room with them?
Something told me this would be different, or it would at least somehow be a growth opportunity for me. Major medical trauma can make people think. Maybe they had changed. Call me selfish, but in addition to wanting to feel like I did the right thing, I wanted to test the level of my developmental progress. Was I as enlightened as I thought? The challenge to bring compassion, peace and joy to someone who had previously consciously and actively worked against me, was too much to pass up. Those three days were a test of my ability to stay in later stages and carry out my mission to bring peace to others.
The result was rather remarkable. I worked consciously to remain centered and focused on the mission. I found that I had zero need for their approval (that was new). I felt empowered in my ability to see their truth and their humanity; and I was successful in bringing peace and joy to both of my parents. I found my dad to be somewhat less likely but nearly as likely to betray me as he ever was but I did not feel threatened by that in the least. In fact, I didn’t feel threatened by anything (that was new too!).
Don’t get me wrong… my parents had not changed that much on the outside. So why did this go so well? There was a softening, AND there was significant change on the INSIDE.
First, my parents did NOT berate me. They were kind and compassionate to me. They appreciated my presence and we had many fascinating and wonderful conversations about subjects of common interest.
Second, my parents had moved from stage 5 (I am my ideology and must attack anyone who believes otherwise) to stage 6 (i have my ideology and others have theirs and it’s all good). So my life choices (although still at odds with theirs) no longer made them feel like they needed to attack or control me.
Third, I did not berate them either. I was kind and compassionate to them. I did not come with a grudge. I had forgiven them. I saw their humanity. I saw their actions as reflecting on THEM, not on me. So I could just be kind. (Understand that to forgive does not mean that you forget and it does not mean that you condone. It means that you see their humanity and yours as well and feel compassion for that common humanity.)
Fourth, I didn’t need or want anything from them. I did not need their approval, their money, their kind words, their loyalty or anything else. I was there to give peace and I did not want anything in return.
Fifth, I had a change of perspective. I heard somewhere,, “In addition to living like it’s YOUR last day, treat everyone else like it is THEIR last day.” That really resonated with me. How would I treat them if it was their last day? Easy… I would be kind (not naive, but kind). This perspective has given me insight into how to treat everyone; from strangers on the street to relatives. Just think about how you would treat them if it was their last day and treat them that way.
Lastly, I had worked very hard in recent years to remove any and all vulnerabilities I may have once had (legal, financial, social, psychological etc). Nobody can hurt me because I do not seek the favor of anyone, I do not owe anything to anyone and my life is an open book. This was critical. In short, I had nothing to lose by being kind.
I cannot stress enough that both sides had to be ready to just be kind, to see each other’s humanity, and to recognize that none of us is under any obligation to any other. The result of this evolution and this kinder, more compassionate interaction was a reconnection that I think my parents and I both benefited from. It closed a chapter in my life and in theirs and patched up something that was weighing on me and them alike. It tied up a loose end.
In the movies, this is the point now where we are all super close and connected and back to the perfect family forever, laughing and smiling together. I hate to be the one to tell you – that’s not how relationships work. Our relationship progressed to the occasional phone call discussing safe subjects of common interest. That’s a big step. We must be realistic. The damage of betrayal cannot be undone and the older you get, the harder it is to change your perspective. Our relationship will never be what it was and that is not just OK, that is necessary. Parent child relationships must be dismantled and put back together as something more peer-to-peer in order for mutual respect and kindness to persist. But a relationship built on kindness for the sake of kindness can have a compassionate sort of human-brotherhood love. And I truly believe you can establish that with anyone who is also willing to be kind for the sake of kindness, whether you trust them or not. Moreover, you SHOULD seek to establish that with those who deserve it the LEAST because your kindness has the potential to change their hearts (and therefore humanity) the most.
You might ask, if a basic brotherly love is the best you can do, why bother? Because at the end of life, many people regret what they left undone, unsaid and unfinished. In addition, when I returned from this trip, there was a weight lifted and new space open in my attention that allowed me to be more creative and productive. We all had something positive out of it.
So where does it go from here? I don’t know… and that’s OK. Regardless, we have a foundation of kindness and that can only lead to good things.
If you have wronged someone and want to find a way to reconnect or if someone has wronged you and you want to safely reconnect, maybe my experience can lead you to how to do that.
Love,
~KC
