We are all unique individuals. But in our quest for validation, we seek the company of those who are, in our perception, just like us. There comes a time, therefore, in any relationship when independence and strength of self is tested. The push for independence in a relationship can be the end of it, or it can be an opportunity to take the relationship to the next level of connection.
Independent will, strength of self, individuality, and similar traits are associated with the solar plexus chakra, just above the belly button. At this point, you have already connected to your partner in terms of trust, grounding, safety and sexuality. You may even be deep into a tantric practice, learning about and celebrating your physical self, energy and divine nature. Now it is time to focus on what is truly unique within each other. It is time to connect to your partner’s independent will, power, individuality, uniqueness and strength of self.
This includes:
Reveling in their journey, how they enjoy their interests
Celebrating their uniqueness and quirks
Taking the time to listen without expectation of response, and
Encouraging their strength of self
Sometimes we can think we are in love, when really we are just in attachment. Your partner represents something to you. Maybe they make you feel a certain way. Maybe they validate some aspect of you by mirroring it back, or so you think. We can fall into a trap of projecting all manner of attributes onto our partners, and then expecting them to fulfill them. It is time to set all of that aside. You and your partner are unique individuals, each on your own path, learning about yourselves as much as you are learning about each other. You are both constantly evolving beings, walking your separate journeys together.
The joy of discovering your partner is not to be understated. But in truth, it is not YOU that is discovering your partner. It is your partner, who is discovering themselves, and sharing that with you, while you discover yourself, and share that with them.
First, revel in their journey. Take joy in how THEY enjoy their hobbies and interests. Some of these will be your interests too. Some will not. Encourage them to do the things that they love to do; the activities that light them up and fill their soul. In fact… insist on it. You see, we are so wanting to please our partners that we may not all speak up for independent time to pursue our own separate interests. So make sure your partner has the time, space and opportunities to pursue what they are passionate about, separate from what you are passionate about. Why? Because this is the gift of freedom and true support.
Opportunities will come their way. Some of those opportunities may take them away from you for a while, or may take their time and attention for a while. Don’t become covetous of them, of their time, or their attention. Quite the opposite; if it is an opportunity that they truly want to pursue, you should find a way to support it. Don’t ask, “Why do you want this?” Instead ask, “How can I help? What can I do to support you? What do you need to make this happen?”
Obviously, if your partner is indulging in self-destructive behavior like abusing drugs or criminal activity, you may not want to support that. We all have showstoppers – things that would make us leave a relationship. It’s OK to go. In fact, sometimes, it’s better to go. You cannot change other people. You can only change yourself. So if you cannot meet them and support them where they are, go somewhere else and free them to live their life their way. THAT is an act of love.
Many partners feel fear around the idea of their love spending time on something that does not involve them. If you feel fear, examine it. If you find that you wish they would not do that activity or take that trip, or pursue that opportunity, ask yourself why. Keep asking yourself why until you get to the truth… you are afraid that…..what?
Are you afraid they will leave you? Find a better partner? Realize that you are unworthy? This stems from you yourself fleeing that you are lesser or unworthy. In that case, it would be useful to work on the Stage Six exercise of breaking your own perception of unworthiness. Resist the urge to control your partner. This will only lead to an eventual end to the relationship. You cannot control another person for very long without building resentment, distrust and misery. This is attachment, not connection.
Are you afraid they will get hurt? Maybe what they want to do is dangerous, relatively. I say relatively because even driving to a desk job is dangerous in its own way. Even staying in your house is dangerous to a degree. Nothing in life is without risk. Try to understand, through honest conversation, why your partner wants to do what you see as dangerous. Discuss the known dangers. Discuss your fear honestly.
Ultimately, however, YOUR fear should not factor into THEIR choice, and your fear should not stop you from supporting their choice with everything you can muster. The key is that their choices are about them, not you, and your fear is about you, not them. You think you are afraid for their safety but what you are really afraid of is being alone, or being without them. See? Your fear is really about you. It shows you that you have some attachment here that needs to be released and replaced with connection instead.
