Cleaning up other people’s messes… let’s discuss. As you reach later stages, you will find yourself keen to help others. Your desire to help others may be, for some, quite strong. It may even be a calling. This makes you, unfortunately, the first person that people try to take advantage of. For some reason, happy optimistic humanitarian is often confused with sucker, naive hippie, or doormat… someone who will clean up the consequences of your bad decisions, someone who will bail you out from their misplaced faith in the wrong people, and someone who will freely give your time and effort for everyone else’s gains.
Don’t get me wrong. I am often freely giving of my time and effort for my student’s gains… but my students, in return, give me great joy as they progress and find a life of peace and excitement. I am still getting something and that something is forward progress on my priorities (global peace, real connection, etc).
But humanitarian does not mean sucker. Some would put their problems on you so that you could do their work for them. Some would have you solve the inevitable problems that come from their own bad decisions, laziness or other emotionally driven choices. As a humanitarian, this is not your role. It’s about empowering people to take charge of their life and that means both authority and responsibility.
Humanitarians go into war zones, crises, and disaster areas to bring relief. Here they clean up someone else’s mess. But the people they help are not the cause of the mess. They had no choice in the matter and did not bring it on themselves.
Other humanitarians go into coffee shops in suburban neighborhoods and help people find individual peace and fulfillment, with the larger goal of global peace as a result. Sometimes, my students have problems that they brought on themselves. Many times, in the beginning, they are causing 99 percent of their own problems. In these cases, the most humanitarian thing I can do, is make that obvious and help them take responsibility and authority for their lives. That means they must own their messes and make a plan to clean them up themselves. How will they find peace if they keep sabotaging their own efforts?
As you experience later stages, and your desire to help others takes on a life of its own, you must ask yourself: What would really help this person or these people? By doing anything they ask, rescuing them from their own consequences…. they learn nothing. However, if you rescue them from the SOURCE of their problems, then you have put them on a better path. Whether their problem is rooted in disease, war, natural disaster, or simply their own bad habits and choices, we give those in need a path AWAY from the problem, NOT another day to sit inside it.
Your desire to help is beautiful and good. And it can be incredibly disheartening when others try to put their consequences on you. You may question your mission. You may question why you bother. But it is worth it.
Ultimately, every interaction is a chance to teach and help. But that help might look like saying NO, and the lesson might be a painful one for the person you are trying to help. Their long term wellbeing is more important than their short term avoidance of discomfort.
So when someone expects you to handle the consequences of their own choices, say no. When someone asks you to derail your calling to forward theirs, say no. When someone treats you like a sucker, using your altruistic nature against you, say no. And then explain why. Give the lesson. Teach with kindness and compassion. Maybe they will listen. Maybe not. But you will keep your integrity and respect in tact to forward your mission another day.
